Every Direction I Look....

...I see babies.  People getting pregnant, people trying to get pregnant, people with one month olds, people with six month olds, people with screaming babies in grocery stores.  It's like a never ending bombardment of children around me right now.  Please understand I'm not saying that babies aren't great, I was once one myself so "Yay Babies and Procreating!" but I'm just...well...caught off guard.

When did this happen, me growing up?  A vast majority of my Facebook friends, real friends, and new acquaintances are about to or have recently dar'ed la luz ("dar la luz" means "to give the light" in spanish...another way of saying having a baby).  We could in theory have all had babies since most of us were early teens, but I guess my point is - where have the past few years gone, that I've now reached the age where this is a part of my life? 

I'm not saying don't have babies - I'm genuinely happy for all of my friends who are (or about to be) mommies.  I just feel so young, and sometimes I wonder if society is the one making me feel like I'm "wrong" or if it's me comparing myself to my friends, and the feeling of being "left behind" makes me feel "wrong."  I just don't get it - the baby thing.  I respect that I'm a minority here, and that there are women and men who want nothing more in this world than to be parents.  I, however, want nothing more than to travel and explore.  I can't get excited over cribs or diaper bags or nursery wall colors.  I occasionally get the "awl's" when I see a cute little outfit or stuffed animal, but that's about it. Am I doing something wrong? Because I feel like I am...

Now, I do like kids though!  Some of 'em anyway haha.  My friend Alice has the cutest little girl in the world, and I love that girl more than I imagined.  But I don't buy her lots of gifts, because I don't know how to do the baby clothes sizes or what, exactly, she'll want.  It's like I'm missing the maternity gene that tells me how to handle kids...but I do have the "Let's Play!" gene, so now that she's growing, I know more of how to interact with her.  Blame it on me being the baby of the family - the only cousin younger than me came along when I was 7, and with the exception of him, I've never watched a baby grow up (and note, I was a "kid" myself during this process).  Another friend, Megan, is preggers and about to have a baby boy in June.  Yay Baby Boy!  I'm so happy for her and her husband!  But my non-understanding of the excitement of cribs and diaper bags I think sometimes portrays me as apathetic.  It's not that I'm apathetic, I just don't understand...and maybe one day I will, but I have a feeling it won't be until my 30's or 40's...I'll be that mom with the 3 yr old while all my friends have 20 year olds!  (On the flip side, I'm sure lots of people don't understand me...)

I was once told by a friend that I've very sensitive when it comes to the "baby" issue - her tone was a bit harsh when she said this to me over a year ago, so of course it stuck with me.  But the answer to that statement is a solid "Yes."  I am sensitive when it comes to the "baby" issue.  I'm watching my brother and his wife go through a long and emotionally draining process of trying to conceive.  This month they start the IVF process...and it's not just "let's mix up some baby-making-stuff in a petry dish and 'ta da - kiddo!'"  It's a three month process just to get to that step, and a very painful process at that.  I'm optimistic that this will work (if it doesn't, then they will not be able to have a child of their own - IVF is very expensive and the last option for naturally conceiving) - I have never in my life wanted something SO MUCH for someone else.  I don't understand, but I do understand their desire so therefore it is my desire.  I make deals and trades with the Big Guy every day that they'll get pregnant and have a healthy baby.  I wonder if WHEN (because it's a When, not an If) they become pregnant, if my maternity gene will turn on.  I consider Alice and Megan's children to be my niece and future-nephew, but this one will different.  I think then I'll understand the diaper bags and the cribs, because I have watched my sister-in-law want this for so long.  But even then, with the maternity gene possibly kicking into gear, I have no doubt in my mind I'll still be as far from wanting my own as humanly possible. 

Am I wrong for stilll, at age 27, wanting to go to the bar when I want?  For wanting to buy myself a pair of shoes, instead of putting it into a college fund?  For not understanding, despite my best efforts?  I'm in some sort of confused "I'm loving adulthood but I'm not ready for a family" stage.  I guess maybe I should lay off the Facebook for a while...maybe I'll stop seconding guessing myself if I stop comparing to others.

Look at that, already breaking my New Years Resolution of not being so hard on myself :)

(PLEASE Understand I am happy for every one out there who is pregnant or who has had a baby!  I love that my friends have found their other-half's and are starting families.  I just feel like the outsider, trying to understand and get in "the know."  One day, when I find my other-half, I want to start a family too...mine just may have fur-kids and lots of shoes instead of Carrie-kids.)